PREGNANCY #3/ECTOPIC #2

At the start of the summer 2014, we received a clear bill of health to start trying again! My doctors and my therapist agreed that my body had healed enough for us to try! My best friend in the US had contacted us earlier that year and had asked if we wanted to go to Las Vegas and celebrate her husband's 40th birthday together with some other friends who were also celebrating something special! But since we didn't know how I was going to feel, I had said no to the invitation! But when we found out that we were able to try again, we decided that a relaxing and fun of vacation was exactly what we needed! So we booked the trip :-) three weeks in the states with my best friend and her husband comma with the trip ending in Las Vegas :-)
The vacation was amazing! I hadn't seen my best friend or any of our friends in the state since everything had happened, so it felt really nice to see them and hug them all! On top of that, we finally got to meet my best friend's daughter before she grew to be older! A wonderful little girl named Alicia, 1.5 years old! We fell in love with her from the first moment we laid eyes on her :-) and she totally fell in love with Micke :-)

You guys might wonder if it was tough to meet Alivia? ... and of course it was! It's always tough to see kids...you're constantly reminded of what you don't have yourself! But at the same time it's also very rewarding and makes you happy! I Can't Describe to you how it felt every morning when she came looking for us because she wanted Mickey to read for her or she wanted to play with me! Indescribable happiness :-)

We spent three wonderful weeks with our closest friends and ended the trip with a awesome weekend in Vegas!!!
When we got home again, everything was back to normal! We returned on our 2nd wedding anniversary! My parents came to pick this up and when we came home they had set out the most beautiful table for us , left food for us in the refrigerator, and the champagne on Ice :-) unfortunately we were too tired to celebrate that day! So we Avia me food but save the champagne! Also... I had a feeling... That I might be pregnant again... 2 days late late... but I wasn't sure because with the jet lag  it's really really hard to know what's what! And I was thinking that this could just be a jet lag... and that my period would come. But it never did!on August 16th We got another positive pregnancy test!

PREGNANCY #3
Well, we were back here again! Happy? Of course... Scared? Terrified I would say! And once again, neither was dared to Hope anything!
I contacted my gynecologist the first thing on Monday morning and already that same day I was able to come down to do the hCG test... I took the next one on Wednesday! And just like last time, HCG was rising, and once again we were pretty much able to exclude another ectopic pregnancy!
( I want to tell you all the wonderful female doctor that we had had was no longer practicing here but we had gotten information about another infertility specialist That was supposed to be good so we had ask for an appointment with him!)

On Friday that same week we did an ultrasound and the doctor said he saw the tiny fetus in the uterus! And we were so relieved... I had however, had some small plea this before the visit, but the doctor didn't think that was anything strange! He prescribed a progesterone to help the pregnancy stick and reduce the risk of miscarriage! We had another scheduled ultrasound the week after and when we left the doctor's office we felt extremely satisfied!

The second ultrasound was on August 29th. We have gotten a special time during lunch because that's the only time the doctor could do it! Making I met each other outside as usual and nervously walked into the clinic! The dr. Cullison and put me in the examination chair! As soon as he answer to the ultrasound I could see the picture on the screen I could see that it was totally empty in there.. Whatever we had seen the week before was no longer there... Once again, missed abortion according to the doctor! :-( he was extremely fast during his examination and finished with haste...we barely had time to understand what was happening... Shocked, sad and disappointed again we went into his office....almost immediately he started talking about that I needed to stop taking my progesterone so that I would have a miscarriage and that we could schedule another appointment after my next cycle to plan for the future....and that was it...he didn't show any care for us at all and was extremely nonchalant! He sent us home without any follow-up

Walking through the corridor we were both crying and as we passed my midwifes office I stuck my head and I said "no luck this time either" ..... She asked us to come in and sit down and the tears just started flowing! I couldn't hold it back !!!why was this happening again? Why couldnt we have a little bit of luck? She consoled us and made sure that I would be home during the weekend from work as I was scheduled to work . she scheduled a follow-up a week after because the doctor hadnt fixed anything... We talked for a while... she said that I needed to wait for a miscarriage this time but that she really couldnt give a reason to why we had seen something the week before and not now! She said we could get in touch with them at any point whenever we need it. It... Then we went home...
I don't know what to say really... What do you do? When you're constantly receiving bad news... With crying and try to console each other, but it just seemed useless at this point! And somewhere in the sadness comes the anger.. And for me that was certainly the case! I had cried almost everyday before this happened.. It was like there was no tears left anymore! Least that's how it felt... But of course that wasn't the case... The tears just keep falling ... ... anger and sorrow weaved together. ..

I stayed home all weekend from work and the following Monday but on Tuesday I decided it was time for me to go to work! For me, I almost feel worse being home not having anything to do. I needed something to keep my mind off what was happening! At work my thoughts are consumed with work stuff because I love my job so much period period period and that was exactly what I felt I needed! On top of that I was starting a new job which I was really looking forward to so much so I pushed on as I always do ... stubborn as an ox!

After almost a week I still haven't started bleeding! I still had all my symptoms semicolon sore breasts, nausea, weight gain and a positive pregnancy test after just a few seconds! I felt that there was something that just wasn't right! Have there been two pregnancies? Had he missed one? Or had he totally misjudged the whole situation? I had so many questions so I called the clinic and left a message... This was a Thursday, and I hope that they would at least return my call on Friday, but they never did!

Another weekend came and went and nothing happened! And I was actually starting to get angry! Angry at my body for not doing anything! We had a night out plan with my best friend and her boyfriend period I had drinks and tried to live as usual, but I still felt so extremely pregnant and my clothes were starting not to fit!

On Monday I finally called them back! I told him my symptoms and finally got a appointment on Thursday, four days later! The appointment was to a doctor that we hadn't seen for a while, but one that we really liked!!! the Midwife also pointed out that it was really weird that we hadn't gotten any follow-up appointments after the doctor had for my missed abortion to find out if that was actually the case!

ECTOPIC PREGNANCY #2
I wish I could tell you guys but I've got to see my doctor on Thursday and that everything went well! But I never made it that far... On the morning of September 11th comma of all days, I went to work as usual! I started at 9 o'clock. Had a cup of coffee and as I was walking through the ICU I suddenly felt horrible pain in my lower abdomen on the right side! It felt like something broke in the pain was unbearable.. And went to the bathroom because it felt like some kind of constipation! So when I try to sit down I felt myself almost Fame thing! So I hurried out to a door opening so that one of my colleagues would be able to see me! I was doing everything I could just keep standing up holding on against the wall! Michael I finally saw me and understood that something was wrong she put me in the bed and went and got one of her anesthesiologists... And once again here came the pain.. and now I recognized it...my tube had burst . An ectopic... Again...

My colleauge  quickly placed an IV and gave me some pain medication and hooked me up to a monitor. So far I was still pretty stable both in my blood pressure and pulse. But I started having more and more pain and I was terribly nauseous..
My college, the anesthesiologist, set and held my hand!He didn't want to give me any more pain medication because he didn't want to mask the symptoms, which I understood... But this time it really hurt! I'm pretty sure it was because I was more lucid this time and felt the pain in a totally different way!
They called Mickey for me and he got in the car as fast as he could and drove to the hospital where I work... And here we were again... A swift ride to the other Hospital in the city, throwing up, passing out, and with such incredible pain! When we got to the hospital they examined me right away. I was completely conscious this time! But there was one thing that was completely different ...I WAS ANGRY!!! FURIOUS! how had he missed this? How could someone let this happen to me again?? This was it...my last fallopian tube...we'd never be able to have kids. ..DAMN DAMN DAMN!

They quickly did an ultrasound of the doctor confirmed what I already knew! Another ectopic pregnancy with lots of blood flowing out into my abdomen because of the burst fallopian tube! I remember cussing out loud and screaming How unfair everything was!
Then I heard the nurse outside the door say that I needed to be in surgery at 1:10.. It was now 12:50! Here we go again I thought...

My parents were traveling and were in Turkey! And factoring in that this was the second time I was about to have major surgery in a very short time, I was extremely nervous! This was the first time I was going to be put under since my asthma diagnosis! But I was also trying to be realistic.... how much trauma can a body really take? When does it say "I've had enough"?... This was my fearr... That I wouldn't wake up this time... So I wanted to call my parents before they took me to surgery!
When I told Micke that I wanted to call my parents in case something happenened, he became very angry.. because he didn't want to hear me say that this wasn't going to work... But I really wanted to. After a few tries we finally got to hold them when I felt very relieved even though it was terrible for them, just like for Micke!
I saw on Mickes face that he was terrified, even though he tried to look calm... Then everything happened so fast, again! They drove me to the OR where I met the anasthesiologist and we talked  a little bit! I was still very worried, scared and in a lot of pain! Before they took me back I asked them to do me a little favor : to make sure that Micke would not be sitting alone this time during my surgery like he was last time! They promised me that they would make sure somebody came and sat with him!
Then everything happened almost just like the last time period period period I woke up in the ICU with a lot of IVs and a lot of pain... This time I had lost this much blood is the last time which made me a little less nervous! When I woke up Mickey was there but so was my brother! My brother, that's awesome I thought... then Micke had had some company during my surgery which made me calm....
This time I only had to stay in the ICU for a few hours and then I got to come upstairs to the regular Ward! And yes, the same ward as last time... This time I made sure I didn't end up next to a pregnant woman... Micke and my brother stayed with me for hours.... I was tired and drifting in and out of sleep... Which is normal after surgery.. And I was in a lot of pain! Strangely a lot more than last time... and my shoulders really hurt this time and I was having problems with my breathing! My  brother eventually left but Micke stayed as long as he was allowed to... And then I was alone...and with lonliness comes tears.....and anxiety... and the fact that I was back here again! It was Freakin Unbelievable! How the hell did this happen? I cried and was angry all through the night pretty much... they gave me a lot of pain medication and the nurses took extremely good care of me... and sat with me and talked with me... I slept a little bit during the night but not much!

The next morning  the doctor came to talk to me about what she had had to do this time! Burst fallopian tube, blood in the abdomen, hard to operate because of a lot of scar tissue... The same as last time almost...but what was new and that was the final nail in the coffin for us was that we now couldn't conceive children naturallt because I didn't have any Fallopian tubes left.. So the doctor had sent a referral to the IVF Clinic that morning! Both my ovaries were still intact and working just fine and everything else looked good too according to her..which was something at least. ..

Micke didn't make it to the hospital in time for the talk with the doctor, but I filled him in when he got there! I don't think either of us really realized then what had happened or what this would mean for us, and for our future! Micke's biggest Focus, as always, was to take care of me and make sure that I was as comfortable as possible.... so that I could recover fast and come home to him! Yes, I have the most wonderful husband ever!

I stayed in the hospital for 3 nights and then I went home and was well taken care of of Mickey and of my family, as always!
I stayed home for almost a month and when I started to work again, I got pneumonia and have to stay home again for almost 3 weeks! After about four months I went back to work but my lungs were having a really hard time recuperating after the surgery! Also the scar in my belly button wasn't healing well and I was having a lot of problems with my stomach! My belly button had somehow inverted itself and became half the size! So I had to see the surgeons to see what we would do about this!

All of you probably wonder how I felt after all of this and well, it was up and down! Some days I cried once a day and some days 50 times a day!
I started seeing my therapist regularly again which totally helped! And I am lucky to have such an amazing husband, family and friends who constantly supported and helped me so much! Without Micke, I don't think I even would have made it out of bed certain days... I still don't really know how he copes with everything thats happened, but he says as long as I feel fine he feels fine... For him I'm the only important thing! YES, I've been remarkably lucky to find this man...

Once again I want to thank you guys for taking the time to read this! It's now 2017, and as you all know we are still childless! But we are not giving up :-) I still see my therapist regularly but I'm doing a lot better!

I hope all of you will stick around now and read my posts about how i feel...how i cope.... Sometimes they might be negative and sad, but for me it's important to write how I feel! It's also a way for me to process everything!

Take care of each other!
Love Gita