2013 was an extremely hard year for me, for us, after everything that happened in April! My physical recovery was fairly quick and after about 2 months I was back at work part time.
I have always thought I was a pretty strong person! Outgoing, happy, extremely social and a person who really enjoys her Life! And why not? Before this happened I had never been through something really horrible. I had a wonderful life! Wonderful family, wonderful husband, wonderful friends (yes, I like the word wonderful!). But you’re not as strong as you think...or atleast I wasnt! At first I thought everything was going ok...I had noticed small changes in myself...why did I become so sad and hurt by the smallest comments? Why did I get so angry at those closest to me for absolutely no reason? It wasn’t until midsummer eve, when my brother said to me” I don’t recognize you anymore...I don’t know who you are” that I realized that I wasn’t the only person that had noticed a change...even those around me had noticed! That’s when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to deal with all this on my own. As soon as the weekend was over I called and booked a time with a therapist, which is to this day, still the best decision I have made! She was able to put words to things I couldn’t myself...she could explain WHY I had certain reactions...and why I felt the way I did...Trauma, Crisis, Mourning, Grief, and Fear of Dying were just a few of the words she used to describe what had happened to me...and everything she described was exactly how I felt!!
THE SUMMER:
The summer came and i continued going to my
counselor for therapy. Micke chose not to come with me but everytime i was
there she gave us tips & ”homework” that we could use together...tools to
handle certain situations for the both of us! Like i wrote earlier , i would
get angry for no reason...and the smallest comments or things could set me
off...my therapist explained that my anger was MY way of reacting when i was
really sad or hurt instead of crying endlessly! She described it as a coping
mechanism my brain used so that i wouldnt have a total breakdown...i aked her
what i should do to try not to get so angry...or if there was anything Micke could
do...she said ” tell him to hug you super tight when it happens and you’ll
see..it will help almost instantly!”...and you konw what? IT WORKS! Micke started
hugging me everyitme i got rowled up or got angry and after a while this
reaction was completely gone!! It was soo amazing..that such a ”small” gesture,
could do so much!! I was so thankful for my thereapists help...Still am!
At the end of the summer she suggested that we take
a trip..to get away from our house, the memories of what had happened....to
relax somewhere else and just have a good time!
So last minute we booked a 1 week trip to Italy- Calabria!
Our vacation was amazing! Calabria was a wonderful
place and fo the first time in a long time i felt happy! Almost ”normal” again,
which was soemting i hadnt felt in a long time! Almoste immediatly we met 3
other swedish couplses that we hung out with a lot! Wonderful people J when we went home again, i felt like a new
person!! But unfortunately, my happiness didnt last long...the night we got home i came down with the stomach flu! Ive always been sort of ”immune” to it..or so i thought...but micke didnt get sick so i started to think it wasnet the stomach flu...but foodpoisoning or salmonella!
I was sick for almost 1 week...during our 1st wedding anniversary too! When almost aweek had gone byt i was still having a lot of stomach pain so i decided to go to the clinic. When the doc saw me and felt around on my stomach he gave me 2 choices: Hed call an ambulance to come get me or someone needed to drive me to the ER- IMMIDIATELY! Honestly, I dint feel so bad any more…but apparently I looked it..And when he took my blood pressure it was super low & he wanted a surgeon to examine me right away! Sooo off to the ER we went…once I got there they concluded that I had pancreatitis...and it was serious! I was hospitalized for 10 days, on fluids and medication, while they searched for the cause! Stool samples showed I hadn’t had a normal stomach flu, but campylobacter (from bird or chicken)…most pancreatitis is caused by gallstones that make the bile back up into your pancreas or over use of alcohol…but in my case, they were stumped! No gall stones and all my other liver tests were normal (so no overconsumption of alcohol)…they never found a cause…but nevertheless…something had made me really really sick!
So once again, another
hospital visit..Unforeseen sickness….and another trauma according to my
therapist! And it was…as soon as I was hospitalized I was right back to that
day in April…blah…after this I was home for a few weeks, on sick leave again! Then
I had to start off slow, working part time…and seeing my therapist often!
FALL 2013:In October I had, what we thought was an allergic reaction when I was having lunch with a friend! I was given cortisone and antihistamine and sent home from the clinic. After about 1 week, it happened again. This time it was worse so the clinic sent me to the hospital in an ambulance! This was the first time in an ambulance, since my horrible ambulance ride in April…and as soon as they loaded me onto it, I lost it! I had to close my eyes for the whole ride to keep myself calm & from not remembering! I was soooo hard!
I spent the all
day in the ER and then I was sent home…it was hard to pinpoint what I was
allergic to. The day after, it happened again…and once again, a new ambulance
ride to the hospital! But after all this, they didn’t want to take any chances,
so I was admitted for testing! I was having trouble breathing and needed a lot
of medication to feel better…and once again, here I was, in the hospital!! This
time they kept me for 1 week..After a week in the hospital I was sent home with
high cortisone and antihistamine doses, as super strict diet (food with only
salt & pepper) while I waited for an appointment with the allergy
specialists! I had to stay home for 3weeks because of the high doses of
medications (they made me super drowsy)…and I had to write a food diary
everyday…I wasn’t allowed to eat anything store bought that wasn’t a pure
product…and if I tried something, like sour cream, I had to try only one
product in a time…
Once again, it
was a super hard time in my life…in all our lives! I was extremely sad &
had no energy for anything…again, another trauma! I had several reactions while
at home for those 3 weeks but luckily we managed them with all the medicine I had
at home! I had to learn how to make my own bread..which was good…and my parents
were nice enough to get me a kitchen appliance to make it easier to bake…micke
had to be with me every time I ate a meal so he was coming home from work
several times a day..Or I was at my parent’s house…
When all the
tests were done by several different doctors, they concluded that I wasn’t allergic
to anything, but that my breathing problem was untreated asthma!! ASTHMA? I couldn’t
believe it…they also explained that what had triggered my breathing problems
were anxiety attacks while eating food! When the doctor told us this, I remember
thinking...well there you have it…I’ve totally lost my mind!! But would that
have been so strange really? After all this? ….but my doctors were wonderful
& explained that this was my brains way of telling my body that it couldn’t
handle any more psychological trauma! And that my asthma as real..And needed
treatment! I started taking asthma medicine and after a while, I actually
started feeling better…and was finding my way back again….or so I thought!..
WINTER:
Christmas came
and it was extremely hard since December was when our baby had been due! We cried
a lot, the whole family, and grieved together! The only happy news we got that
month was that the gynecologists FINALLY felt like my body was healed enough,
that we could start trying for a baby again in January of 2014!! And then 2013 was finally over!!
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