PREGNANCY
#2/MISSCARRIAGE
2014.
At the beginning
of January we decided to have a little party, to start of the year! We invited
our closest friends and had an awesome “kick off” party! I really enjoyed the
night and I felt positive about it being a new year…new beginnings &
opportunities!
At the end of January
I booked a skiing weekend for us! I thought we needed a weekend to ourselves to
relax and have some fun..Just the 2 of us! We usually stay in a cabin, but thïs
time I booked a hotel room..We skied, had great food & drinks..An all
around awesome weekend!!
PREGNANT AGAIN
At the end of February
we finally got some good news! I was pregnant again! Our first try during our
skiing weekend, had given the result we hoped for J but this time
it felt different....it wasn’t the happy, excited almost euphoric feeling we
had the last time…especially not for me…I was terrified…I felt myself having
problems breathing and I felt incredibly anxious! A thousand thoughts came
flying at me like a ton of bricks…was this going to be another ectopic? (The
risk increases after you’ve had one)…would I be able to handle it mentally
until we knew everything was ok? Would Micke? What if we miscarried this time?
I was too scared
to start planning ahead…but your mind takes you there anyway...your brain and
heart don’t always go hand in hand….because you start planning in your head..Despite
the fears…despite the questions…
We got an appointment
with our obgyn very quickly and a few days later I went in to have blood tests
done to make sure my HCG levels were rising like they should (usually with
ectopic pregnancies they don’t accelerate like they should)…you take them 2
days apart to make sure/rule out an ectopic pregnancy! If the levels rise like
they should, you can most likely rule out an ectopic. The tests were
increasing..So I thought- so far, so good! Our doctor was extremely thorough
& was taking all the steps necessary to make sure I wouldn’t have to go
through another ordeal like last time! Everyone took great care of us!
I went for an
ultrasound once a week…they called and checked on me several times a week..They
truly went above and beyond! At week 5-6 we saw the little fetus on the
ultrasound, and we were so relieved…no ectopic..Everything in the right place!!
But again, our
happiness was short lived. At the ultrasound, week 8, when we were going to
hear the babies heartbeat….there wasn’t one…our baby had died…here it’s called
missed abortion ( when the body doesn’t miscarry on its own & fights to
keep the pregnancy).
I remember that
I had started to cry even before she said anything, uncontrollably.…because I
didn’t hear anything when she started the ultrasound…and I saw on the screen
that there was nothing pulsating like a heart…our doctor cried with us...how was this happening again? whyyyy?
We sat for a
long time in her office & cried together. How would we go on from this? How would I? she explained to us that we had a few options: we could either wait 2 weeks and hope that I would miscarry on my
own spontaneously, or I could be given pills to start the miscarriage...Or I
could have it surgically removed...But I didn’t want to be put under again..Another
surgery…so that wasn't an option!
To make sure
that there hasn’t been a misdiagnosis its mandatory to wait 1 week before doing
anything and for another doctor to also confirm with a new ultrasound…when we left the clinic I had
decided that I would take the pill option..There was no chance in hell I was
waiting for a miscarriage…carrying around a dead baby was something I just
couldn’t handle…
I cried all the
way home from the visit…uncontrollably…I felt like I couldn’t breathe…I just
wanted someone to knock me out….take the pain away....I cried so much I had to
take extra asthma medicine because I wasn’t getting enough air…as soon as we
got home Micke called my parents… I needed them…when they got to our house I
was lying with my head in mickes lap..Crying..We all cried….mom & dad
too…it was horrible!
A week went by and we had the new ultrasound..but there was
nothing...no heartbeat...no hope...nothing! I recieved the pills and 2 days
later i took them which triggered a misscarriage! I was in unimaginable pain for 2 days and then it was over…completely over...empty...numb...helpless....hopeless...
Several follow up appointments were made after this and our doctor was
great! She took really good care of us! I was home from work for a while again
and then eased myself back into it...
Mentally it put me back at square one! All the work id done with my therapist for
a whole year seemed wasted…where did we go from here? I felt like I wasent going to make it...
But I did...WE did...because somehow you find strenght to go on....I still dont know how...but you just do...
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